Self deception.
kitten   March 25, 2008

Someday in this digital Hell it might all fade away in alpha transparency to leave nothing but the purest of our electric fantasies. We could be like silicon wraiths writhing into each other, whirlwinds of passion stirring up fractal debris, echoing the way you soared over my defenses.

And you were fast that way, fast. Working your way sinuous into everything that held potential, erasing everything behind, leaving me your blank canvas, smooth and perfect, yours to to shape and sculpt. Relays and switches are cold, mechanical, and form an infernal midnight flecked with static, the kind that fills my eyes.

But my eyes don't gaze upward, each saturnine evening emptying without you. My eyes don't gaze upward to trace the profile of your shadow. My eyes don't gaze upward hoping you'll spin me into your promises once more. My eyes don't gaze upward.

kitten   March 21, 2008

What hurt the most, in the end, was being so close. Secrets, kept and shared, your cutting questions cleaving them both, distilling them down, haunting me through fever even as I run from medicinal fantasy, shivering beneath blankets of all the pushers promising escape from this: the way you built your life, took in the shape of it all, turned away from me, and vanished. Fate willing, I'll someday be as strong as you. Fate willing, I'll someday be as perfect as my dreams of you, dreams running like machines, leaving me dizzy.