One of the most irritating things about conservative commentators on the radio or television -- those with agendas and opinions and all the answers, but no direct political clout or asperations -- is that they believe themselves bulletproof. They rarely encounter anyone with a disparaging point of view, and when they do, it is almost invariably within the safe and controlled confines of their own show or program, where they set the ground rules, they time the commercial breaks, they get to screen incoming calls, guests, and decide when it's time for someone to shut up. As such, they never have their ideas challenged in any serious manner; even when articles, essays, and counter-shows are aired by opponents, they are ignored, partially because the commentators don't care, and partially because they are, after all, busy people and can't read every damn website or news column that lambasts them.

I can't pretend my writing around here is any different in that regard, nor will I claim that liberals are any less guilty of isolating themselves from serious criticism. It's just something that occured to me this morning when considering a brief piece on "American values". I may not be able to reach the fools spewing this sort of nonsense, but perhaps I can reach you, the public, and that's who really needs to hear the counterarguments anyway.

The phrase "American values" is bandied about by conservatives with almost reckless abandon, to the point where it's become an empty signifier, so vague and ambiguous that it could mean virtually anything. However, they clearly have a specific meaning in mind, and it's starting to grate, because it is bullshit.

Why is it important to know what conservatives mean when they discuss "values"? Well, what do you think it is they're so intent on "conserving"? Primarily the status quo as they see it. The problem is that what a conservative views as the "values" of America today is so out of touch with reality as to be outright laughable.

Accoding to Dale A. Robbins, the founder of arguably the largest pro-conservative values organzation today, these values may be defined thusly

Traditional, historical American values have in the past, included a faith in God, prayer and the Bible, which has for a large part, been the foundation of other national traditions, such as: honor and respect for the family, diligent work ethics, absolute values of right and wrong, honesty in business practices, wholesomeness in leadership, respect toward authority, moderation rather than excess, marriage as a prerequisite before having sex or bearing children, a family which consists of both a father and mother, taking responsibility to provide for our own - such as one's spouse, family and children, and so forth.

I believe most conservatives would agree with this definition, and it's sad, because this is such bullshit.

First, Robbins, like most conservatives, appeals to the past as their source from which to glean a proper ethos that should shape society. All of the things he mentions here are things which America's colonial forebearers would have agreed with, and that is the primary thrust of the conservative platform -- that this is how it worked in the past, and we should conserve it.

Nary a mention made of how, were we to look to the past as our sole source of a model society, we'd still be burning witches, owning slaves, entering our children into arranged marriages and forced apprenticeships, and hanging each other for petty theft, all of which were considered perfectly acceptable and even commendable in America's history. Clearly, not all the values of the past are what conservatives want to conserve, and not what they mean when they discuss America's values. They're willing to pick and choose.

What, then, do the conservatives consider worthy of being included in our American values, and what to discard? It's rather difficult for me to tell, as I can't see many cohesive codes of conducts that bind all Americans uniquely. Besides things like "don't kill, don't steal, don't assault, don't destroy property", which are hardly unique to either America or the Bible, there just isn't that much.

Americans are, in truth, a pretty divided crew when it comes to any sort of agreed-upon values. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce -- so unless you consider "doesn't work half the time" to be a victory for what America thinks, marriage isn't on that list. Only fifty-seven percent of the population attends a religious worship with any regularity, and while 70% feel that it's important for a presidential candidate to be religious, that means that three out of ten people don't -- not exactly a ringing endorsement for a national value. Twenty-seven percent of American households have only one parent.

Even wider-sweeping issues can be called into question. An alleged American value is the preciousness of individual liberty, yet we've seen that many people are willing to abdicate this freedom in exchange for perceived security, including random wiretaps, warrantless search and seizure, ignoring habeas corpus, and other intrusions into privacy. Indeed, conservatives themselves are often the most guilty of attempting to curtail individual liberty -- prime examples include their oppositon to homosexual marriage (another thing on which America is pretty evenly split), and the continued criminalization of drug possession and use (a bit over twenty percent of Americans have experimented with drugs including marijuana).

Doesn't seem like "America", as a society, can agree on much, does it?

America can't decide if guns are good or bad. Everyone has their own opinions on abortion, euthenasia, whether the Constitution is a living document or whether it is carved in stone, and whether power should be vested in the local or federal levels. Getting a room full of Americans to agree upon pizza toppings would be far less daunting than getting them to agree on economic models.

I am tattooed. I loathe spectator sports, love my cat, and my attire is fairly offbeat. I spend large amounts of my time at gothic nightclubs and BDSM-oriented events. I have no love of money beyond what I need to pay the bills and have a few luxuries. I am atheist. I liked Bill Clinton and despise George Bush. I support the rights of gays to marry, view laissez-faire capitalism as fundamentally flawed, and endorse feminism.

I am American.

I know people who think tattoos are terrible, and love to watch the Big Game whenever they can. I know people who love George Bush. I've met people who think goths are insane, BDSM is sickening, and want nothing to do with animals. I know people who are deeply Christian or devout adherents to other religions. There are people I've met to whom it is obvious that drugs are evil, capitalism is wonderful, and feminists are lunatics. Some people feel that only a tie and jacket is appropriate work dress and that Ronald Reagan was a hero. I've travelled coast to coast and spoken to people who embrace all of these things, some of them, none of them.

They are all American.

If there's one thing we can tell from the actual lifestyles Americans lead, rather than the Ward and June Cleaver whitewash of conservative imaginations, it is that there is no cohesive, monolithic set of values guiding us. The only real American Value is our desire to decide for ourselves what works best for us. A strategy of levelling beliefs on others by fiat or declaration is doomed to fail, and while you can pretend people don't exist when they disagree with your particular ideologies, they're still there, and they're just as American.

When conservatives understand that, they'll be in touch with the real American values.