Bryan was put in charge of coming up with the invite copy for pumpcon, which is evidently an annual Philadelphia-based hacker convention. Because he wanted it written in the style of a soulless corporate drone, and because he's a lazy ass who didn't want to do anything, he asked me to write it, and so this is the result.
Coming up with a marketroid way of saying "puke" was difficult.
FROM: CORPORATE DIRECTOR OF REGIONAL AFFAIRS
RE: ALL HANDS MEETING
This October will see the congregation of leading experts in the industry. This communique, the contents of which are not to be disclosed to third parties except as indicated and which will remain confidential to all not affiliated with the Company, serves to request your attendance. By reading this you (the "Attendee") hereby indemnify the Company from any and all liability for the contents of this Message, and any events which occur as a result of this Message, and agree to forfeit your daughter's virginity to the CEO of the Company.
Do you have what it takes to break the glass ceiling?
We've proactively prioritized our mission-critial objectives to reach a breakthrough consensus in order to organize a decentralized network of world-class industry leaders (the "Event"). By strategically energizing our vision statement, we have accrued an optimal increase in client-centered workshops intended to streamline the acquisition of knowledge across the enterprise, which will be conducted according to the Agenda. You, as an Attendee of the Event, will engage in market-oriented mastery-learning, as well as facilitating the consumption of refreshments, provided and otherwise, providing a fast track to not only fun and profit, but the ability to remain future-proof in tomorrow's rapidly progressing global e-marketplace.
Our cost-effective breakdown structure analysis has selected the following location for the Event:
Scheduled Agenda items from the Event are to be held at the following times:
In order to secure your place in this Event, you must respond to this communique via electronic mail to acknowledge your receipt of this memorandum and your dedication to this goal-setting opportunity. The address of the key players is:
Friday evening: A 360-degree monitored team-building excercise which
will provide nonsyncronous consumption of alcohol. This collaborative
alliance will enable seamless integration of Attendee's stomach
contents to the provided restroom facilities.
Saturday: Architected discussions and workshops hosted by industry
panelists. This is the primary focus of the Event, intended to
expand your knowledge base and intellectual capital so that you may
champion leadership contributions down the road.
Sunday: A Total Quality Driven recreational food benchmark
incorporating low-cost, high-yield consumption methodologies.
Additionally, as we value team dynamics above all else, which accounts for our best-in-class positioning at the bleeding edge of performance-based initiatives. To facilitate a holistic integration of all Attendees to the Event, the Company will be providing T-shirts with the Company emblem proudly crested upon the front. Should you wish to actualize this generous offer, you must provide a desired size, in order to ensure our cost structure remains sustainable. These T-shirts will provide first-tier recognition of your participation, and have a high expected ROI factor.
The Company believes that People come before processes and technology, and so in order to maintain credibility, we are requesting that any attending staff members provide upon demand any photographic or video records of past Events. This has the win-win advantage of closing the gap between employees and management, as well as allowing us to fine-tune our systematic logistical capabilities for future Events going forward.
This Event is an innovative means of operationalizing our core competencies. We look forward to getting face time with you and implementing your input in the new paradigm.