I've been absent for a while, as you can see. I've been absent for a lot of reasons.
These reasons are varied but all come back to the same root: Change.
As of today I am twenty five years old. That should be enough to kick anyone into taking stock of their life -- where they are, where they were, and where they hope to be.
Events in the past month have made me realise that I have become someone very different than the person I used to be.
"show me show me show me how you do that trick
the one that makes me scream," she said.
"the one that makes me laugh," she said.
"show me how you do it, and i promise you, i promise you..
i'll run away with you."
There was a time that I can remember, and it seems not long ago although it was really three years prior, that I enjoyed life.
I know, I know. For someone who bitches as much as I do, you wouldn't think it. Even archives from that time are full of my ranting and raving. But nevertheless, I wasn't always the walled-off sort that I later became. Yes, there was a time when I found a great deal of contentment in simple things, and although I've never been the high-on-life type that greets each new day with a jovial smile, I was essentially happy with the person that I was.
spinning on that dizzy edge
i kissed her face and kissed her head
and dreamed of all the different ways i had
to make her glow
"why are you so far away?" she said
"why won't you ever know that i'm in love with you?
that i'm in love with you?"
Archives from that time are inaccessable at the moment. The earliest you can cycle back is to around the time things began changing. Two and a half years of isolation can do that to a person, I suppose, but I never realised what I was doing, and the cold indifference I had towards life, the universe, and everything soon became a part of me.
But, as I said, the events of recent history have made me take two steps back and look at what I've become, try to see myself the way others see me. I've had a few weeks to do this, and I didn't like what I saw. Didn't like who I had become. Like an egg in boiling water, entering fragile, emerging hard. It isn't a fun way to go through life, and it isn't who I used to be.
I haven't posted in a while because of this. Before, this place would be littered with weeping tales of despair and loss, couched in vaguaries and ambiguity, and I don't feel that I should dwell like that. It's part of what happened all those years ago that made me the apathetic man I became, because it was easier to be emotionless than to be hurt.
you, soft and only
you, lost and lonely
you, strange as angels
dancing in the deepest oceans
twisting in the water
you're just like a dream
And so for the past few weeks I have been trying to adjust some of my attitudes. The first step, true to 12-step format, was realising I had a problem. It took a rather monumental and painful experience for me to open my eyes to this, because after having lived for so long as an automaton, it never occured to me that I was missing out.
Even when someone tried to show me.
Her efforts got through to me in bits and pieces, and that isn't the way it should be, nor is it the way I used to be. And this is one of the areas I've been making progress in -- appreciating not only what I can do, but appreciating what others do. In full, because I don't believe in doing things by halves.
And progress is what I've been creating. You heard it here first. The little things that I always used to enjoy, and I'm learning to again.
Trying to stay away from this place for a while seemed like a good idea for other reasons as well. I have always had a rather odd habit of combing through old emails, textfiles, mirrorshades postings, and other assorted bits of digital memorabilia, as a way of cataloguing the past into dates, events, moods. I knew that coming here created the temptation to do so again -- even if there was nothing particularly significant to be read to an outside observer, I knew what was going on during these times and it's another aspect of dwelling and beating myself up that I wanted to avoid.
Yes, I could have been filling this place up with impersonal rants about society and politics, but to be honest, I haven't much felt like doing that lately. Fear not -- I'm still the same over-opinionated twit you've all come to read and mock day in and day out, and I'm sure that eventually I'll be ready to continue along the same vein I have been, but for the past month, bitching about petty things hasn't seemed quite so important.
daylight licked me into shape
i must have been asleep for days
and moving lips to breathe her name
i opened up my eyes
and found myself alone
alone above a raging sea
that stole the only girl i loved
and drowned her deep inside of me
What's kept me going this way through the past several weeks, instead of beating the easy retreat back into solitude and indifference, has been hope, a universal constant of myself that hasn't changed at all. What I hope for has, on occasion, altered, but certain aspects of it never have, and while some say hope is dangerous, it can also be a powerful motivational force.
Hope springs eternal, and my hope now is, in part, that I get the chance to demonstrate my sincerity in these efforts, and a chance to do things right next time around. If I'm given that chance, I know -- now -- that it won't have been in vain, because I understand things now that I didn't before, and maybe couldn't have before. And I can prove it, if I'm allowed.
soft and only
lost and lonely
just like heaven
Today I am twenty five, and it's time I started acting my age.