I'm of the opinion that the world would be a lot better if, instead of having kids, people just adopted cats instead.

It amazes me that places like fertility clinics exist, and that people are willing to spend years, and untold thousands on medical procedures, all so they can spew out yet another screaming snothouse of a brat.

The overwhelming evidence is that cats are better than human children in every conceivable measure.

First we must consider the ease of raising a cat. They are extremely self-sufficient creatures, requiring a minimum of hand-holding. They can look after themselves for hours or possibly days at a time, so long as food and water is provided. They clean themselves thorougly and do not require litter training.

To raise a cat to decent standards requires food, water, a clean litterbox, toys, and attention. Feeding is as simple as putting food in their dish every morning - they'll eat when they're hungry, drink when they're thirsty. Their litterbox must be cleaned every day or so and emptied periodically, and they should be brushed at least once a week. It's good to play with the cat every day - this can be as simple as waving a feather duster around on the floor for her to chase. They need to be kept up to date with their shots, and perhaps given an annual medical exam. In general, cats are well-mannered, can be trained with a minimum of effort, and are well-coordinated enough to avoid hurting themselves.

That's about it. A cat is easy to take care of, easy to keep happy, and will be one of your best friends.

A child on the other hand can barely manage to keep itself from being killed or maimed if left alone for more than a few minutes. They require constant, continual supervision. They must be fed at regular intervals, often refusing to eat what's offered to them, and even more often making a huge mess in the process. This feeding process may take upwards of an hour or more as one cajoles, bribes, threatens, and otherwise attempts to convince the child to eat.

They cannot be left at home for even a few minutes - they must be taken to each and every little errand, usually requiring an elaborate support system composed of toys, crayons, video games, diapers, snacks, strollers, high chairs, and other trappings and diversions. They must be clothed, and new clothes must be procured every six months or so, depending on the seasonal changes and growth of the child. A school must be found, transportation arranged, and babysitting or daycare accomodations made for working parents who cannot be at home when the child arrives home from school. The parent must teach the child every nuance of basic life - how to walk, how to tie a shoe, how to read, talk, eat, drink from a cup, bathe, brush their teeth - everything. The child must be taught how to conduct itself in the presence of company, and nine times out of ten will fail to heed these instructions, causing mayhem, destruction, or at the least, embarassment. They are prone to causing injury to themselves, requiring expensive and time-consuming visits to the doctor or emergency room.

As the child grows it may begin to resent the parent. Arguments with the child are frequent; arguments with a spouse regarding the child are even more frequent, and are the cause of many divorces. Children misbehave, often deliberately, in class and at home - the solution for many parents is to throw more money at the problem, taking more time out of their lives to drive back and forth to various psychologists, psychiatrists, getting prescriptions filled, convincing the child to take their medicine. The child may destroy property for "fun" or "because he didn't know better".

By the teenage years, he or she must be supervised in all matters of schoolwork, and relations with the opposite sex (or same sex, for that matter). A driver's license may have to be secured for the kid, costing hundreds in insurance money, thousands if the parent buys a car for the kid, and untold amounts of worry every time the car pulls out of the driveway with the teenager at the helm.

A college will likely have to be found, loans taken out, entrance exams, tours of the schools, living accomodations made, and when all is said and done the odds are high that the now-grown child will reduce contact with the parent to a bare minimum.

Ah, the joys of parenthood!

The most damage a cat will ever do is to scratch up your furniture. This is a minor consideration for most, and there exist a number of easy-to-implement solutions for it, such as putting sticky tape on the furniture or obtaining good scratching posts. (I am against declawing the way the Pope is against abortion.)

A cat will not wreck your car. A cat will not stick things in electrical outlets or kick holes in the wall. A cat will not be brought home at 2am by the cops after spraypainting the side of the Wal Mart. A cat will never say "I hate you" and curse you because you didn't let it go to Becky's birthday party. You will never go to a parent-teacher conference because your cat keeps hitting young Billy during recess. A cat won't hit baseballs through your window, destroy a neighbor's yard with his bicycle, lie, cheat, or steal.

A cat provides tangible benefits to her owner. Cats decrease blood pressure, whereas the stress of parenthood often increases it. Cats can lower cholesterol and reduce the mortality rate related to heart disease. (Friedmann E, Katcher AH, Sthomes SA: Social interaction and blood pressure: Influences of animal companions. J NERV MENT DIS, 1983;171:461) Owning a cat means less minor health problems, and less doctor's visits. A cat can reduce the isolation that can accompany depression, whereas a child is often the source of depression or at least a major cause. A cat will never judge you. When a cat appreciates you, she'll show it by snuggling you or purring at you, instead of making craptastic, ass-ugly drawings of mutated stick-figures.

Then there's financial considerations. According to the USDA:

WASHINGTON, April 27, 2000 Agriculture Secretary Dan Glickman today
released a new report finding that a family with a child born in 1999 can
expect to spend about $160,140 ($237,000 when adjusted for inflation) for
food, shelter, and other necessities to raise that child over the next
seventeen years.

Two hundred thirty seven thousand dollars. That's not counting college.

I just did a rough calculation of what it costs to take care of Molly. I paid 90 dollars to an adoption agency to get her, which is a one-time cost that included spaying (something I encourage every animal owner to do).

A five pound bag of food seems to last her about a month, and costs about ten dollars. It's also the highest-quality food I can find, so I'm not cheating by getting her the crappy stuff. Five dollars a month times twelve months = 100 dollars.

A bag of treats for three or four dollars lasts a month or more. 48 dollars a year for treats.

Molly drinks water from a fountain thinger that has filters in it, which I change monthly. A two-pack of filters is six dollars. 36 dollars a year for those.

Her litter costs about six dollars, and a container lasts about a month. 72 dollars for that, per year.

She's only gotten sick once, and that was a 50 dollar visit to the vet, for an examination and a prescription for ear drops. That was a minor case. I'll overestimate this, and assume that it costs 150 dollars a year for routine medical care, including a checkup. But cats have good immune systems - much better than ours. An indoor cat is unlikely to get sick very often at all.

I spent about seventy dollars for various toys, scratching posts, her litter box, her food dish, and other things, when I first got her. Most of those are one-time costs, for the most part - you probably won't have to buy another litterbox or food dish for years, or maybe not at all. I do like to buy her new toys now and then, however, so I'll overestimate this one too and say I spend 70 dollars a year on toys for her.

Total cost per year for food, water, medical care, toys, and litter: $476.

Average lifetime of a cat is around fifteen years. Total cost for the lifetime of a cat: $7140.

Let's summarize:
Total cost of owning a cat, who is easy to take care of, provides definitive benefits to you, is a minimal hassle, and who will always love you: 7140 dollars.

Total cost of owning a child, whom taking care of is a full-time job, provides little to no benefits, consumes much but produces little, causes emotional distress, divorce, and depression, and who may grow up to resent you: 237,000 not counting college and incidentals.

Make the logical choice.