You've Got Stupidity!
kitten   October 13, 2001

So I downloaded Trillian, for the express purpose of being able to use AIM.

Thirty minutes later I uninstalled it. It isn't Trillian's fault per se - it's AIM.

No sooner had I logged on than I was treated to the following intellectual gem of a dialogue:

nightcrawler245: hi asl???
rantingkitten: Fuck off.
nightcrawler245: LOL
nightcrawler245: wats wrong with uranting
kitten: What part of "fuck off" did you not understand?
nightcrawler245: wanna chat??
rantingkitten: No.
nightcrawler245: y not
rantingkitten: Because you're an idiot.
nightcrawler245: lol
nightcrawler245: oic ur not serios
rantingkitten: Uh huh.
nightcrawler245: fuck u

For several years now I have avoided using AIM, because the one or two times I have used it, I found it to be unbearably annoying. The interface is crude, cumbersome, irritating and unprofessional, the sound effects (which took a solid ten minutes for me to remove - don't know if that's AIM or Trillian though) are unbelievably gay, and all in all it's a hopeless pile of ones and zeros that could be better used to spam Sade mp3s nonstop to Live365.com.

The first thing I tried to do was find a 'buddy'. That's what the people on AIM are called - buddies. And the list of people you have is called a 'buddy list'. If anyone can think of a more juvenile and childish nomenclature, I'd be interested in hearing it - 'buddy' anything is going to be hard to beat.At any rate, I wanted to search for a specific person. I had a rough idea of what his "screen name" was, so I typed in part of it, and was informed that I can only search by first or last name.

AOL apparently thinks everyone uses their real names. LOL isn't that funny!!!!1

At this point I decided to test the actual service, so I sent an Instant Messege(tm) to Bryan. When he responded I was greeted with a pestilential noise that would disfigure Hell, and when I replied, an equally hideous auditory assault was inflicted upon me. I wanted to kill myself - or the subhuman monster that designed AIM in the first place.

At some point during the conversation with Bryan, I ended a sentence with a :) emoticon. I find these useful at some junctures, if deployed properly and with discretion, but most people overuse them. Anyway, what happens when you do that in AIM? It doesn't display :) ..rather, it displays a stupid face that is supposed to look like a smiley face. Does anybody find this feature to be cute or useful or funny or clever? because I sure as hell was not amused.

Clicking around on the menu, I discovered that I could send a "warning" to Bryan. So I did. He immediately chastised me, explaining what a "warning" is. Apparently, the more warnings you send to a user (by virtue of clicking "Send Warning"), the "Warning Level Percentage" goes up, and this is inversely proportional to the rate at which that user (or "buddy" if you prefer, which I don't) can send messeges to you. Because you see, AIM is like being in Kindergarten again, where you have to hide behind silly things like that instead of doing the mature thing when a particular user is bothering you, which is

  • Ask him to stop, or
  • Ignore him, or
  • Get rid of AIM altogether because 99% of the userbase is composed of brainless halfwitted teenagers. LOL!!! ROFLMAO!!!11

    Seriously though, why the hemmoraghing fuck would anyone need a "warning"? I felt like I was on the bus in second grade where the bus driver would turn the aisle lights on or off to signal us to quiet down. Or when the teachers would give you little demerit marks on your daily evaluation sheet, and when you accumulated X marks in a given timespan, then Bad Things would happen. But I'm not in third grade anymore - I'm 22 years old - and I'm still being subjected to (or have the potential to be subjected to) the same bloody nonsense.

    So I stopped sending "warnings" to Bryan, and instead focused on trying to add more people to the contact list - er, I mean, Buddy List. I typed in a certain individuals screenname - at least, I thought it was him - and the name was added to my Buddy List. No questions asked. I had no idea if that was even the person I'd wanted, or what. And because he was offline, I couldn't send him a messege for him to pick up later, no sir. That'd be too easy. Instead, I'm apparently supposed to keep my connection active for all eternity, or until the person shows up (whichever happens sooner), just so I can ask "Hey, are you who I think you are? No? Sorry to bother you." But you're forced to do that, because god forbid AIM should let you actually search for a user in a logical manner so you know who the fuck you just added to your Lamer List.

    Yes, my despise for AIM has become more deep-rooted then ever, and I seriously question the mental balance of those of you who actually use it and have no problems with it's inane interface, juvenile antics, silly names, and stupid sounds.

    Personally, I'd sooner take the wages of sin from the painted jezebel than use AIM ever again. But others disagree. Here's an insightful testimonial from an anonymous source:

    "With AOL's Instant Messenger, I can pretend I'm a 12 year old girl and get young boys to talk dirty to me!"

    Suffice to say that I detest AIM more than ever, and if any of you have a problem with it, you are hereby invited to kiss my Volvo-driving ass. And if you don't like it.. I may just have to send you a Warning.

    TTYL. Or something.

    * kitten rolls his eyes