"That which is overdesigned, too highly specific, anticipates outcome; the anticipation of outcome guarantees, if not failure, the absence of grace."
-- William Gibson, All Tomorrow's Parties
Into the Valley of Tacos.

I don't know why this never occurred to me before, but henceforth when I venture into the steamy, smelly pit of the restroom, my iPod will accompany me.

It shall be my rod and my staff against the ass-cheek-rippling flatulence and the awful gurgling intestinal noises of my thankfully anonymous cow-orkers. Who, ready to send the pre-processed fast-food cardboard meat they devoured not ten minutes earlier into the Stygian abyss, stumble like a herd of drunken elephants into the next stall over.

It shall be to the glorious sounds of Flogging Molly, Johnny Cash or Dido that I do my, as they say in "tha hood", bidness, not to the grunting and wheezing of some desk drone just begging for a coronary on this, their only Throne.

Never again shall I be assaulted by the aural destruction of someone else's Big Bomb Burrito, their super-deluxe-with-double-onions Burger of Doom.

Never again shall the sounds of someone's extra-pepperoni power-lunch infect my ears, for the rasterbated croonery of Trent Reznor shall hold me and protect me.

I bow before you, iPod, who holds my hand in the darkness when the flourescents flicker, and breathes cool air to cool my brain in the humidity between the gunmetal grey stall walls.

June 13, 2005 2:36 PM
Comments

Best. Post. Ever.

Posted by: solios at June 13, 2005 2:39 PM

Hey... I resemble that remark. And I'll have you know it was a super-DUPER-deluxe-with-double-onions Burger of Doom. Furthermore, let it be known that those glorious rumplings are as painful for me to produce as they are for you to listen to.

Posted by: MadIrish at June 13, 2005 2:49 PM

Muuuwwwaaahhhaaa, that's great... you'll never hear me sneaking up to fling poo at you!

Posted by: moebius at June 13, 2005 3:03 PM

Well, from this moment on your efforts will all be in vain as my in-ear headphones provide enough bass, when positioned properly, to completely block out all noise on the el.

That won't help with those sonic-wave blasts of bowel doom, which in my mind are much akin to the explosions of the Death Star in the re-hacked Episode III... But I'm working on that.

Posted by: bda at June 13, 2005 3:08 PM

Er, EpIV.

Whatever. Fuck Star Wars.

Posted by: bda at June 13, 2005 3:12 PM

Nobody wants to hear how you're using your rod /or/ your staff in the can.

Posted by: rjbs at June 13, 2005 8:02 PM

But, but, but....!

THE ROD AND THE STAFF THEY COMFORT ME!

Man, a few hundred years later and it still sounds pretty thinly veiled....

Posted by: solios at June 14, 2005 2:46 AM

Looks like bryan will be the first person to catch Diphtheria from an iPod.

Posted by: Stevers at June 15, 2005 8:11 AM

hahaha.

Posted by: bda at June 15, 2005 8:29 AM
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